This sums up how I've been feeling for a while now.

Sometimes the Pain is Unbearable

Lately I've been finding myself at a loss for words. I find myself stuck in my own head. All these people around me pregnant and having healthy babys. I miss Isabelle so much. Lately she's been in my head all day everyday. I keep thinking about how she would be about 4 and 1/2 months old and how I would be so happy. All I think about though is this emptyness I feel within me that never goes away. There is a hole in my heart that will never go away. Just making it through the day without crying has been very difficult for me lately. Everywhere I turn something is thrown in my face. I just recently found out that my sister in law and her husband are trying for a baby and it just hurt so bad. I'm happy for them I guess but I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself depressed because I know that we can't have another baby right now because we can't afford to. It also makes me depressed because it makes me feel like our daughter is going to be forgotten in the excitement of the new baby. It feels like everyone expects me to just be over losing my daughter and not feel sad when I see baby's or pregnant women. I can find no comfort in the things people say to comfort me like "you are young you will have more children." This does nothing for me. Just because I may be able to have kids later does not take away the pain I am feeling now and you also don't know that I can have other children. How do I know that this won't happen again? No one can be sure that this wont happen again. I know a few people that this has happened to more than once. It's unfair. Lately I feel like God is just testing me to see how strong I am and I must say I am beginning to crack under the pressure. Please pray for me as I am going through a very difficult time emotionally and just wish that some of the pain would subside.

Everyone Around Me is Pregnant

It's been so hard here lately with everyone around me being pregnant. I see all these girls around that are having their babies and it seems like each day someone else I know is getting pregnant or having their baby. I miss you so much baby girl. Everyday I wish that was me. I wish I was able to show you off and talk about you non-stop. Mother's day is this weekend and I dont know what to do. All the other mommy's at church get honored and I'm afraid I wont because you arent here with me. I was so looking forward to handmade gifts from you and now I'm afraid I'll never have that. My sweet Isabelle, please think of mommy this week as she is finding it hard to make it through.

2 Months

Hey my sweet angel. Mommy loves you. Today you would have been 2 months old. Its hard for me to believe that you've been gone that long. It seems like just yesterday we heard the news. I thought of you a lot this week. Amother mommy I know also road rollercoasters when they were pregnant not knowing it. Do you remember the rollercoasters? I bet you had your little hands up like your mommy usually does. We did a walk for you this weekend. It was so beautiful outside and made me feel like I was close to you. Daddy and Mommy miss you. I can't wait until I can see your beautiful face and hold you once again. I long to hold you in my arms and I'm sure if you were here I would spoil you so much. I love you baby girl, Happy 2 Months.

Thinking of You

My sweet Isabelle, I hope you know how much mommy loves you. Tomorrow will be 8 weeks since you went to be with Jesus and I just miss you so much. Everytime I see the color purple I think of you and for some reason I associate purple tulips with you. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I long to hold you. Daddy misses you too. We talk about you all the time. Its hard being here without you we miss you so much. I remember all the times you kicked while I was in class and all the times you kicked daddy in the face when he layed on my tummy. I also remember how you calmed down when daddy read to you. We love you baby girl and life is so hard without you. I just hope you know how much your mommy loved and wanted you.